★ Dunkelbunt & Bittersüß ★

At my workplace, everyone communicates in English. Even the few German speakers and those who understand German really well speak English with each other. Most of the blogs and other media I read are English too. And as you very likely have noticed, I also blog exclusively in English nowadays - mainly because I am just too lazy to translate everything, and since I spend most of my day "thinking" in English, when I want to write something down it usually comes to my mind in English first as well.

But once in a while I come across a situation where I would really like to say something, and I realize that I just can't express it. I appreciate the English language for its variety of beautiful and flowery words and how long and elaborate sentences sound much more fluid than in German. For example, I find romantic vocabulary in German horrendous, it sounds contrived at best and just corny at worst. In English however, I can even appreciate romantic poetry - which is also one of the reasons why I prefer music with English lyrics over German ones anytime, even if the song itself is something I could in principle like.

But some German words just have no proper equivalent in the English language. And Austrian German again is a little bit different from "German" German, so again, we have some more words that have no proper German equivalent at all!

I know that some of my readers don't know any German, so perhaps you will find this entertaining. I will leave out all the hilarious swearwords that we (especially in Austria) throw around for now, mainly because I don't use them so I don't miss them a lot, but perhaps I will do a separate entry where I will introduce you to the wonderful world of German swearing?

So, anyway, here is my list of five words that I would sometimes desperately need when communicating in English, therefore I pledge for their incorporation into the English language!

"Fremdschämen"

This one is actually a bit cheaty, because the only reason there's a German word for this is because our language has compound nouns, i.e. nouns that are put together from more than one word to express something new. Fremdschämen means to be embarrassed for someone else, but it somehow is even more than that. It's such a strong feeling that we don't just apply it to someone we directly observe or know who behaves like an ass or says something stupid. The "Fremd" part of the word means "stranger", and in essence "Fremdschämen" is something you will sometimes find yourself to feel for someone you don't even know, not even remotely, like somebody you see in a public place, or even when something embarrassing happens on TV. Fremdschämen is the reason I cannot watch afternoon TV shows - German private channels are especially infamous for their various fake-documentaries featuring uncannily bad acting and blatantly stupid plots. Fremdschämen is also the reason I cannot watch romantic comedies. I simply cannot bear the watch them and start to feel physically unwell when people start to behave stupidly on the screen (also and especially applies to "bullshit science" which is the reason why I have stopped watching The Big Bang Theory). I cringe so hard I have to switch channels or my head will probably implode while I make a long drawn-out and extremely annoyed "Ughhhhh..." sound.

While it can be expressed to some extent with the English "being embarrassed for someone else" I feel like Fremdschämen has a much stronger connotation in German by now. It is not just you feeling embarrassment, it is you feeling the embarrassment that the other person should have felt in that situation, but usually for some outrageous reason does not feel.

"Doch"

I first noticed the absence of this word from the English language in high school. There was a guy in my class whose family was American, and who talked English at home. He once complained that arguments with his parents sucked, because there is no English expression for "Doch", making it extremely difficult to talk back to them.

"Doch" actually has two meanings. First, it can be used to start a sentence that will bring along a turn of event, topic or meaning, much like "however" or "but". But in colloquial German it is mainly used to express your disagreement with an argument somebody has made - that contradicts your previous statement. It is the typical "third reply" to a "Yes"-"No" conversation, such as: "I think I am responsible enough to be allowed to stay out till 1am on Saturdays by now!" - "No, I don't think so, you don't even take responsibility of your tasks in the household!" - "Doch, I take out the trash every time you tell me to!"

Usually these kinds of conversations play out between parents and their kids, and often are even simpler. "Ja!" - "Nein!" - "Doch!" - "Nein!" - "Doch!" is an often seen pattern here. It can also be used to contradict a negative statement as such: "I don't believe any of your friends are allowed to stay out that long." - "Doch, Hanna's parents allow it!". In English, there is just no single word that feels quite right to use in such situations. It's basically a shortened version for "That's not true" or merely "I disagree". In that context, it takes on a lot of its other meaning that I mentioned at first, turning the conversation into a different direction again.

In principle, it can be a very useful word during any kind of discussion, especially when you are target of criticism (though excessive use of the word will quickly make you seem like a 13-year-old who is not allowed to go out on Saturdays) but can also be useful when you want to correct not someone else but yourself - "Ah, I forgot to mention, that thing you asked me to do and I thought I had forgotten to do - I did it doch". Of course, there exist English words that can replace "doch" in many situations, but not in all of them, and especially "Nein!" - "Doch!" is so deeply rooted in German-speakers from their teenage years onward that you sometimes really miss the expression in other languages.

"Es geht."

There is no English equivalent of this expression - at least none that I can think of. In French, there is the literally same expression "Ça va". It is usually the answer to the question "How's it going?" or in German "Wie geht's?"(or in French "Ça va?", again). The German "Es geht" literally means "It goes" and for some reason that sounds way less stupid in German and we use it all the time. In contrast to the French "Ça va", which usually mean something like "I'm fine/okay", the German expression usually implies an unspoken "but" after that, as in "I'm fine.... but actually I am not." It is nonetheless obviously not expected that you actually express your discomfort, as the question "Wie geht's?"/"How are you?" is usually merely an opener for some meaningless smalltalk and nobody actually cares about how you really feel in such a conversation. I actually find that kind of communication habit - to ask how someone is feeling, but never expected an honest reply and vice versa being expected to lie about your emotional state if asked in such a situation - pretty horrible, but there is one, and only one, application of this expression that I miss a lot in my daily life, and that is when my supervisor asks me "How's it (the experiment) going?" because usually "Es geht" would be the absolutely perfect and appropriate answer, implying "Pretty much everything sucks, this does not work at all, and I am running out of ideas what could be the cause, but I am working on it, and if you really want to know more, please ask more clearly."

"(Etwas) geht sich aus"

This is an especially beautiful expression, that to my knowledge is an Austrian particularity. It literally means "(Something) will go itself out", which of course makes absolutely no sense, but also in German it actually does not have that much meaning when taken literally. Also, we're back to the verb "going" - "gehen" again, in this case in its most beautiful application. When not used to throughly confuse Germans in a conversation, the term is used to describe something that will work out somehow or will be finished just in time. Imagine you missed your train and you know your date is waiting in front of the cinema for you. You might text them something like "I missed the train, but I'll be in time for the start of the movie". In German you could express the second half of the sentence with a variation of "Es geht sich aus". Conversely, if something won't work out you can say "I won't make it in time for our date, sorry!" as "Es geht sich nicht aus" ("nicht" meaning "not").

I mentioned how this expression can also be used to confuse Germans. It was not until a few years ago that I wasn't even aware that this expression is Austrian German (perhaps Bavarians might understand it?) and it just makes no sense to Germans. But once while playing World of Warcraft and being in Teamspeak with some guild mates, there was a question if the healer will have enough mana to make it through the fight. He replied "Es geht sich aus" - It will work out, but the Germans understood it more like "Es geht aus" - It's running out, or something like that. We then started to realize to what enormous extent we use that expression every day - especially when gaming. "Will you come to the raid tonight?" - "I have to work late but I guess es geht sich aus". "Do you have enough materials to craft this item for me?" - "Yes, geht sich aus". "If the damage dealers could just try to put out a little bit more damage, the boss encounter definitely geht sich aus."

It's a simple but beautiful, extremely versatile phrase that Austrians are using all the time. While English provides individual expressions for each of these situations, the Austrian "Es geht sich aus" casually implies that we're actually putting in more effort than we want credit for. I guess we're actually just trying to look really cool when we say it. So instead of, for example telling your colleague "Fuck this shit, you expect me to do all this additional work in addition to what I already have to do in such a short time?" you'll shrug it off and cooly let them know that "I guess es geht sich aus" while slowly turning into a bottomless pit of rage on the inside.

"Jein"

Last but not least, another word that proves invaluable in any working environment when asked about your work and not being able (or willing) to give clear answer before gauging the level of actual interest and care of the person who asked. "Jein" is a mixture of "Ja" (Yes) and "Nein" (No), meaning yes-no. Especially in my field of work it will probably be the default answer to "Is this (experiment) working out?" or "Are you finished with this?" because there will always be something that at least to some extent was unexpected, or will delay your results, or will just not work out the way you want it to. "Jein" is the perfect answer. It is not yet as bad as "Es geht" and usually still implies a somewhat neutral emotional approach to the topic, whereas "Es geht" is rather used at the onset of frustration. Yet "Jein" will make anybody who hears it immediately understand your situation. And depending on the actual interest of the person who asked, they will know to either not continue asking questions and walk away to leave you to concentrate on your work, or in contrast know exactly what kind of questions to ask you make you spit out what is wrong with you, the project, experiment or whatever, and then hopefully try to help you.

Since we live in a world where many questions just don't have an obvious "yes" or "no" answer, I appreciate the existence of this word in German, especially considering so many people expect you to answer with a clear "yes" or "no" even if you simply can't. "Jein" is the perfect solution, because it politely tells those people to either fuck off or actually put in some effort to understand the situation and see that there is no clear, definitive answer.

So this was my list of German words that the English language needs!

How about your native language - are there equivalents to the expressions I mentioned?

And what about the German readers, did you know the expression "Es geht sich aus?"
What other words do you "miss" when talking in another language?
Let me know in the comments! ^_^

Hey guys! It's review time ♥

This time I'm reviewing a product that was entirely new to me - did you know that there are daily/disposable circle lenses?! I wasn't aware of that, but when I heard about it for the first time I was hooked right away!

The lenses I am wearing here are Fairy 1 Day Princess circle lenses in green. I got mine from Lensvillage.com and you can find these lenses right here ! They are also available in other colors. The brand is called Sincere and on their homepage you can also find some other lenses that they produce.

So, obviously all kinds of soft lenses are "disposable" but the normal circle lenses you get usually come with a warning that you should not use them for more than a few months. I actually wear my lenses very rarely because I just don't get many occasions to wear make up and such, so I take care of them especially well and keep them up to one year, but if you really wear your lenses a lot, you have to clean them very well to keep them for a longer time without risking serious damage to your eyes.

Enter Fairy 1 Day lenses. They are like your regular 1 day disposable contacts, you throw them away after one wearing, and can I just tell you how INCREDIBLY convenient this is for people like me who don't get to wear circle lenses very often?

Packaging & First Impression

They come in a super pretty packaging and even come with prescription! One package contains 10 lenses, and if you need a prescription, be aware that you will have to buy two packages if you need two different values for your eyes. For me, my eyes only differ by -0.25 so it was no problem to wear the same prescription though.

*Click to enlarge*

The lenses are packed individually in these little plastic containers. They look exactly like the packaging of my monthly disposable lenses that I usually wear so I am quite familiar with them :) The packages are way more easy to open than the glass bottles of normal circle lenses and the lenses are ready to wear right away. One thing I noticed right away when I took them out was that the printed border is smaller than the lens itself by a significant amount. While the lenses have a diameter of 14.2mm, only 13.3 are printed, giving them only a small capacity to give an enlarging effect.

Color & Design

*Click to enlarge*

I thought it would be good to give you a nice closeup of the lenses because they are extremely subtle but super pretty. My natural eye color is a light blue, so the green blends in nicely and gives the impression of a darker limbal ring. Many lenses with a dark border look a bit alien-ish if you don't wear a lot of make up but these give a very soft effect that would look good with minimal make up too. However, the enlargement is probably not too big and I think the color would not show very well on darker eye colors.

Comfort

I wore the lenses for several hours and had no problems. In fact, I was positively surprised by how comfortable they are, they feel better than my normal lenses! I think they are perfect if you want to go out and don't want to worry about taking care of your lenses afterward. Imagine going to a place where people smoke a lot or staying over at a friend's place. These lenses would be very useful because you don't have to clean them, you just throw them away before going to bed. So this kind of "user comfort" also makes up a big part of the comfort of these lenses imo.

Summary

In conclusion, these lenses are perfect if you don't want to wear them very often and only use them for rare occasions. Their effect is subtle but very beautiful, and they are comfortable to wear like no other lens I own. Their enlargement effect is not very big, so if you look for a "dolly" look, these are not the ideal choice. For more toned down looks or for a quick change of eye color, they are perfect though!

Color/Design:

★★★★★

Enlargement/Effect:

★★★★★

Comfort:

★★★★★

Overall:

★★★★★

You can find other circle lens reviews I did on my blog under this tag.

To learn more about circle lenses and how to take care of the lenses and your eyes properly, you can read my blog post here.

Hello guys!

Today I wanna show you some pictures of a recent little DIY project of mine! Again, I chose to customize a Bodyline item, but compared to last time, the starting point was... well, let's have the pictures speak for themselves!

Left: original lace monster /// Right: toned down version of the dress I can actually see myself wearing again one day

So, let me tell you the backstory of this dress. In 2010, I got my first Lolita dress after liking the style for a few years already, but never really being overly invested in the fashion. I did not do any big research, and my "taste" was largely influenced by Old School Lolita styles, as I had first come in contact with the fashion a few years before. I liked cross lacing, and a cute, painfully maid-like style, so I chose this dress from Bodyline to be my first Lolita item....

Well, in my defense, back then it was exactly what I wanted. Today I see a lot that is wrong with the dress, for example the large amount of low quality, seriously ugly lace everywhere. Also, it is to big on me, so I had to lace the front a bit tighter than intended to prevent it from simply falling from my shoulders on the single one occasion I ever wore it.

I quickly realized that with me being much more serious about Lolita fashion and also more - well let's call it "educated" about the no-gos, I would very likely not wear this dress ever again. But when I looked at it I could still see some sort of potential. It is actually my only OP and since the fabric is rather thin and light it is nice to wear in summer. As for the cut, it's not that bad, it's just a few elements - like the lace-lined ribbons everywhere - that make the dress look absolutely ita-tastic.

So a while back I decided that I might as well alter the dress a bit to make it wear-able again!

First, I carefully cut off all the ugly lace without damaging the ribbons or fabric. That was especially annoying at that pink border around the skirt part, it took what felt like forever. But afterwards, the dress looked a lot better! I then replaced it with much nicer looking cotton lace :3

So, I'm actually quite happy with the final result! I can totally see myself wearing this, I have been thinking about a Hime Lolita outfit for a long time and I think with a princess-y wig and the right accessories this dress could fit quite well. It still is rather old school due to the cross lacing but I think it's tolerable. The only two problems are that the dress is still slightly too big (I might take away a few cm somwhere, but it's difficult to do the fitting because my dress form is bigger than me), and that I currently don't have a white A-line petticoat. Which is why the dress looks a bit sad on the dress form... but I think you get the general idea :3

Do you have a good A-line petti that you could recommend?

And what wig color could you imagine for a Hime Outfit with this dress? I know that honey blond is the most common for Hime styles, but personally I like the contrast between white outfits and black hair (which is why I bought it in the first time, back when my hair was still black!). So I'm thinking about what kind of wig to get and where.... and of course I really hope that I get a chance to wear this outfit soon! Too bad I'll be missing the first Lolita meet up in March, so I have to wait for the next opportunity :(

Anyways, enough rambling! I have some more ideas for things to write about, and hopefully I#ll have some time this week end to get it done. Until then - see you!

Hey guys!

I'm back with another review! This time it's a very special lens model in red! I got iFairy Venus Red from lensvillage.com. They have a diameter of 16.2mm and I think this makes them the largest lenses I ever wore!

Of course with that color and special design I wanted to make a special outfit too, and when I ordered them I already had something in mind - a White Rabbit costume!

(with a Shironuri-inspired make up)

Orginally I had planned to wear this outfit together with my boyfriend as Cheshire Cat for another event but the lenses didn't arrive in time so I had to improvise. Luckily, I got invited to another costume party so I had the perfect occasion to dress up once more!

Unfortunately I didn't have any kind of watch accessory with me. I had to work late this week and so I didn't have time to go look for one, I even made the ears myself and last minute about two hours before I went to the party. I also didn't have a bunny tail unfortunately. Well, overall I think the "costume" looks okay, despite the fact that I didn't have a lot of time to make it perfect. I'd definitely wear something like that again if I ever went to another Shironuri meet up or something!

Okay, back to the main topic: the lenses!

Color & Design

My boyfriend urged me to try a bit more "crazy" lenses for ages now, so I finally decided to give it a try. I figured that with the cool pattern and rather dark print the red should be vibrant enough to make a good impression, yet allow a good transition to my natural eye color towards the center of the lens.

In reality, the print is less pink-red and more blood-red than on the shop image, but I guess in sunlight they would also look a lot different. I had to take all pictures inside and with flash because I came home late from work and went straight to the party that day, but I'll definitely try these again sometime soon during the day, to check out how they look!

I feel like I'm getting a bit better with that white Grimas make up, but my skin is very uneven so it will always look a bit shitty up close. Also, the red eyeshadow I used was not the best, so it looks uneven too. I had to brighten up the photos a bit because they were taken indoors with flash and I had no time to set up the big lights (The White Rabbit is always late, you now), but the color of the lenses was not altered and the pictures reflect quite well how they looked like in real life!

Comfort

At first it was a little bit weird, right after I put them on I felt the difference in size to the lenses I wore previously... but I got used to it quickly! I ended up wearing them for about 6h or so and managed fine. In the end I probably should have used some eyedrops because during the party of course my eyes got a bit dry, but the lenses themselves were super comfortable. They also fit nicely in terms of vision. Sometimes I don't have perfect sight with circle lenses, but these seem to sit right where they're supposed to be so I had no trouble driving my car even at night. I also checked if they're still moving around when I blink, which they do, so they seem to fit very well despite they're size (you can read up on why it's important that circle lenses "float" on your eyes over here).

Overall impression & Summary

So, to sum it up, the lenses are very comfortable despite their size, and in my opinion the effect is quite stunning. During the party I got asked several times about them, thought the light was not very good there people noticed the color and probably especially the dark ring! They are definitely a good choice for a very bold and impressive look. Without any make up on I really looked like an alien though. So unless that's what you're going for, these are probably lenses you should wear with at least some minimal eyeliner, unless you wanna look stoned, haha.

In my case, they are exactly what I wanted. I didn't want entirely red lenses, so I'm happy about the beautiful dark ornaments and the darker limbal ring of the lenses. I think they go well with my eye color, though not perfect - the transition to towards the middle could be a bit better, but realistically that would mean that the red would not be as opaque and less visible (or perhaps add up to some kind of purple/violet color). If you have darker eyes, you could definitely go for these, as the coverage is excellent and the red color will most likely show up even on the darkest of eye colors! So the final score of these lenses....

Color/Design:

★★★★★

Enlargement/Effect:

★★★★★

Comfort:

★★★★★

Overall:

★★★★★

Lastly, here's a picture of my entire outfit! Like I said, unfortunately I didn't have a pocket watch or such with me - but I ended up being a bit late for the party, so I just claimed that was part of the costume ;D

PS: I changed the layout of my blog a bit, so I can post larger photos now... what do you think? I hope it's not too wide for anyone's screen! Back when I started my blog I had an old laptop and of course I adapted the design for that, now when I'm on my computer I feel like I could fit my blog on my screen almost three times XD I should really get a porperly updated design soon D:

Heyo my dear readers,

The recent lack of updates is easily explained. I am working my ass of for my Master thesis and still have to take a few exams in parallel to my more-than-full-time job in my research project. When I come home, I either have to study or I'm sod dead tired I collapse on the sofa and just stay there till my body feels equally tired than my mind and I drag myself to bed to sleep. I wish I could live a better life style but at the moment, I just don't have the energy to focus on anything than my current objective: graduate before September.

At the end of March I'll have a few interviews regarding the PhD program I applied for. With this, my future will more or less be determined. Either I get into the program and have a job starting October - hopefully for the couple of next years - or I don't, and I pretty much don't know what I'd do if I don't. But I have a few alternatives in mind, and while I will probably be devastated if I am rejected, it won't be the end of the world, and just mean that I will follow some rather different plans for my future... but let's see how this will turn out!

In the meantime, here's some outfits I wore lately! The photos are really bad quality because whenever I do have time to wear something nice, I usually don't have the additional time to take nice photos as well... sorry!

I love this dress so much! I bought it secondhand from Alina a while ago and I wear it so often yet I don't get bored with it. It's perfect for winter and spring because despite the soft chiffon look it's pretty warm. And the floral pattern on black background is so lovely. My hair color didn't match the color of the flowers very well at that time, but I guess I have to get used to that anyway. But my bangs looked kinda rad, no idea how I made them look so fluffy and nice, haha :D

I finally bought a pair of (fake) Litas (mainly inspired by Asu's numerous awesome outfits where she wears a pair of spiked ones) and wanted to wear them so badly! Unfortunately I had to drive so in the end I had to wear different shoes, but I liked the outfit a lot, so I took a photo of it. This is the most recent pic, and meanwhile my bangs are too long and I have bad looking roots, so I pin my bangs back all of the time. I can't really find the time to cut, bleach and re-dye my hair at the moment, so this will have to do :(

Other than floral, I'm really into this galaxy-print-theme lately. I know I'm a bit late for that trend but I always wanted a pair of galaxy print leggings... I tried a pair on once and felt horribly out of shape, but perhaps I will get them now anyway. Litas do make my legs look pretty slim and long, after all.

Oops, that's quite old actually, from when my hair was completely fresh died. I forgot to post the pics, mainly because they turned out pretty bad and in retrospect I should have ironed the skirt. This stupid skirt is actually one of the reasons I decided to get a clothing iron at all. But I don't have a table for it yet, and ironing on our dining table always seems a bit risky to me, so I'm reluctant to use the iron at all XD

Last super old one, I'm primarily showing it to show the difference in hair color :) This was after several washes and with fresh bleached roots. I like this color best but it's hard to maintain. After I bleached a second time and decided to re-dye, I used a new dye from Schwarzkopf and it's so highly concentrated that I ended up with the magenta you see above! Next time I know better and will dilute it more, because I think that candy-cotton pastel pink matches way more colors than that magenta I had or hot pink I have now.

Also, what's it with me and blue eyeshadow lately o_O
I used to never wear blue or turquoise because I felt it clashes with my eye color (yes, I'm really weird about matching colors!) but recently, since I get a chance to wear make up so rarely, I mostly use my Sleek palettes because they just are the most vibrant and beautiful eye shadows I have. The Bad Girl palette is pretty dark, and I usually like to add something that "pops" to dark eyeshadow, and the only other palette I have is Sunset, and as I mentioned before I#m weird about colors so of course I currently don't wear the reds at the moment... and apparently go for the turquoise more than usual :D
I really wanna do some make up shopping sometime soon... I decided to get rid of some old and not-so-high quality make up in favor of new, better stuff. Since I don't get a chance to wear make up often lately I really wanna get good results and don't wanna have to improvise, mix, layer and whantnot for ages before I achieve the look I want.
What Sleek palette is your favorite?
Do you have other palettes you could recommend?

Hello guys!

Yesterday was such an amazing day. After a really stressful week with lots of work and the PhD interviews (which went well by the way! I have a pretty good feeling...) I was very relieved to have a fun and relaxing week end ahead of me to enjoy!

On Saturday, Sylvia had organized a small Lolita meet up in a Viennese Café called "Little Britain". I was happy to get a spot, as the café is not very big we were only 14 people in total. I was also very lucky because the meet up was in a district where could easily find a parking spot for my car, so I didn't have take public transport, haha.

The café is really cute and so beautifully furnished! I guess all of us Lolitas felt at home right away :D The owner was super friendly and not only did she take a group photo for us, she also asked to be in one photo with us so she could hand it up on her photo wall ♥ We also used the beautiful ambiance to take outfit photos of everyone. In retrospect, I wish I had taken more photos and also brought a proper camera. But since I didn't I had to borrow some of the photos for this entry from others ^^"

I was planning my outfit for a while now - I wanted to wear my newest dress, Innocent World's Rococo Rose, again before it gets too warm for dark colors, so I went for a rather classic outfit. I don't usually like to wear so many things on my head, but coincidentally the roses of the headband match the colors of the print perfectly, so I gave it a try :)

Photo courtesy of Lisa, merci ♥ I just retouched the massive bags under my eyes a bit XD

Unfortunately, my lashes came off right after leaving the house. My eyes are tearing like mad these days, especially when I wear false lashes. I think it might be the Duo adhesive I'm using, but I haven't had any problems with it when I started using it. Perhaps the product just went bad? Anyway, it's the reason I look a bit tired in all of these photos.... like, half of my eye make up was missing. I don't really like to wear Lolita without a lot of make up because I feel like it doesn't suit me (that was such a struggle also at the last Winter meet up :< )

This is what my make up looked like before I had to sacrifice my lower lashes :< I think I need a new glue...

At the "Little Britain", you can obviously get tea, and delicious cakes and sweets, but also sandwiches or bagels! Emily and I decided to share their "British Tea Time" meal, which is basically a three-course-lunch including tea for two!

Really, everything in that café is super pretty!

Food porn! Salmon-rucola and camembert-lingonberry-pear snadwiches, warm and super delcious scones with cream and jam and two pastries which I couldn't even try anymore after having eaten so much :'D

So this time, there was no "cultural program" and we only had food, haha. But it was so much fun to just sit together and chat. I wish I could go to meet ups more often. There will be one in Salzburg in May, and since I've never been to Salzburg I sure hope I get a chance to go there to meet other Lolitas and see the city!

I already know what I'd like to wear to the next meet up! I feel so motivated to wear Lolita again, but I notice know that I lack many basics to be able to adapt for different seasons. For example, the blouse I wore yesterday is way too hot for warmer days. In general, I'd like to get more chiffon blouses for warmer weather - since I have only one OP and mostly JSKs, it's difficult to find something to wear in summer. But anyway, despite not having so many Lolita clothes, i have tons of ideas for outfits, way more than I can actually wear because I get a chance so rarely :( Maybe I should just start to muster the courage to wear Lolita clothes outside of meet ups for other occasions!

Photo courtesy of Sylvia♥

So, talking about upcoming events, how could I not mention the recently announced Metamorphose Tea Party in Vienna? This fall we will have another big event for the Lolita community here in Vienna, and I definitely would like to go! I don't have anything from Metamorphose yet, but I would love to get to know the brand better, and of course meet many Lolitas, new and old friends at the Tea Party. You can learn more about the event on the official facebook page!

I would love to meet some of you there! Let's see if we can get a ticket :)

I also took the opportunity to learn more about the brand and browsed through lolibrary and hellolace and updated my wishlist with some of Metamorphose's dresses. If I get a ticket I would definitely like to get one of those dresses. But I also wanted to actively go on the "hunt" for Sugar Pansy, my long-time-dream-dress. So let's see what will happen and which dress I will get next... Since I don't spend much time wearing Lolita it's always a very conflicting feeling to buy Lolita clothes. But I guess that's another reason why I really wanna go to the Metamorphose Tea Party!! :)

Hope you had a nice week end too!

...or the question I have been asking myself a lot lately: "Why not both?"

When I look at what I do and what I like, I guess I am a very lucky person. My job just so happens to be one where my performance is evaluated based on what I do, not what I look like. In contrast to many office or client based jobs, I don't have to wear a "suit and tie" to be taken seriously.

Nobody cares about my tattoos.

Nobody cares about my hair color.

Nobody cares about my clothes.

Or my gender.

And I am so incredibly happy that I am in this wonderful line of work, where people are just themselves and nobody gives a shit as long as you perform well. I know that it's not the case everywhere. I bet there are some employers and professors out there who would definitely not like me because of the way I look. But at my current workplace, I was never under that impression.

Well, at the same time, my line of work also comes with a series of restrictions to my personal life some of which the people around me, especially my family, not always seem to understand. Obviously I have an "all in" kind of contract. I have to get my work done, even if it means going to the lab on Saturdays or Sundays, to prepare something for the next week, take care of cells, or finish an important experiment. Some weeks I might have to stay till 8pm every day, and I am not able to tell you today if I can make it to your party on a Friday in two months on time. My mum keeps telling me "You have to take a few days off to relax and recharge your batteries". All I can tell her this is the least suitable time in the past 6 months for me to even consider going on vacation or taking a few days of, simply because of the course of my project.

My work also changed me as a person. When I think back a few years, how I would never and under no circumstances leave the house without make up on, I can only shake my head in disbelief about myself. When I go to work, I couldn't care less about how I look. I throw on jeans and a T-shirt and brush my hair, and that's about as extensive as my styling will get. I'm happy that I finally managed to come to terms with the way I look without make up, at least to an extent that I can go to work without bursting to tears at the thought of somebody else seeing my face like that.

Dressing up for work is pretty much out of the question either. I sometimes read conversations of "lifestyle Lolitas" who claim that Lolita is an "everyday fashion" and you can definitely wear it to work in a toned down way. That may be true for many jobs, but not for all. I wouldn't want to ruin my Lolita clothes by spilling something on them, and I would never wear a petticoat in the lab, not even a less fluffy one, to avoid accidentally knocking something over and out of fear of the skirt could getting caught at a handle or corner somewhere. I guess nobody would think Lolita clothes are just fine for a surgeon or car mechanic. Same goes for my job.

And this holds true for basically any kind of nice outfit. I just don't wear nice clothes, out of fear that they might get damaged and also because I simply don't care what I look like when I work in a dark room, in cell culture or with bacteria and their waste for several hours a day.

Yet at the same time, I miss "dressing up" tremendously. During my Bachelor's, it was still such a huge part of my life. I really had a relaxed life back then, because I was living so close to the campus of my University, so I had a lot of time in the morning to get my make up done and pick nice clothes and such. It was fun, and it was actually back then that I actually really got interested in make up and Lolita fashion and blogging - it was back then that I started my blog.

Now I rarely get a chance to wear something nice and some make up anymore, and I more often than not don't know what to write about on my blog. So once again I have been thinking: What do I actually care about? What do I even WANT to write about? And would it make sense to share my opinion on these topics here, on a blog that is rather personal and started out purely as a diary?

So the question is, what should I do with this blog. I don't have near as much time as I used to have to update it, the topics changed since I started it to mostly fashion and make up, especially Lolita. I rarely write about science anymore, eventhough it is such a huge part of my life.

I have been thinking about starting a second blog, one where I focus on this second side of my life - my passion, science. Then this blog could remain as the one I use to post nice pictures of outfits or meet ups, of course. The only question is, would I have time to then keep both blogs updated?

I really don't know what to do yet.
I don't wanna give this blog up, but I feel like there is just not much joy in writing about my daily life as it used to be. But as a starting point - to make progress towards a more lively and active blog once again, I will post this entry without re-writing it a thousand times and then ending up not posting it at all :'D

Now I have a question for you!
My blog will turn 5 years this August! How long have you been a reader? Which topics do you find most interesting?
If I were to write a science blog, would you be interested in such a thing?

I just want to enjoy both "halves" of my life as much as possible - the joy I find in art and creativity, fashion and make up and other seemingly superficial things, but also my passion for science and more serious and philosophical topics. It's difficult, considering my job already eats up so much of my time - and considering I applied for a PhD and if I get into the program it will definitely not get easier. But... we'll see. For now, I will try to appreciate both aspects of my life more - the freedom I have, thanks to my job in science, and the moments of free time, where I can enjoy my other hobbies!

"What would you change?"

Imagine a world where with a swipe of your hand, as easy as operating a surface tablet, or a click of your mouse, as easy as liking a status on facebook, you could change anything about your body you wanted. So what would you do?

I guess many if not most of us have had those thoughts. When a workout routine just doesn't seem to pay off as much as you'd like, or simply when you don't find the time or energy to work out at all and look at yourself and just there was an "easy way", like some kind of real life photo shop. Or when somebody points out to you that you seem to have gained some weight lately. In Austrian German, there's the probably well intended expression "Gut schaust aus!" ("Looking good" but usually associated with a light pinching of a cheek or love handle and referring to something our post-WWII generation of grandmas consider "good looking" which usually euqals "well nourished"), that can potentially shatter your good mood at a happy family reunion moment where you're wearing your new dress within seconds.

So, I came across this new video from Blogilates trainer Cassey Ho. If you've been following my blog or other social media for a while, you probably noticed that I'm one and off her training routines every once in a while. You might also know that I have some pretty serious issues with my appearance, and my self-image is not a very "healthy" one.

Just...have a look at the video before I continue.

Cassey's video addresses the question above. "What would you change?"

But ultimately, it is more about the question "WHY would you change?" or "Why SHOULD you change?" Is it because somebody else told you that you're ugly to fat? Or because you wanna be healthy and fit?

I think Cassey is a pretty good role model on this. She might not have a six pack like other trainers, she might not have a "thigh gap", she might not have 36-23-36" measurements. But I dare ANYONE to just.... try to keep up with her work outs and then tell me again that this woman is not a completely amazing, inspiring and awesome bundle of pure energy and joy. I love her workouts not just because they are fun, but because she herself is a fun person and doing a great job to motivate her viewers, her "popsters". It is heartbreaking and absolutely devastating that people would feel the need to comment on her body in the way that the comments in this video show. Actually, the fact that people do that in general, on anyone.

Yet people do.

And they do it all the time. Everywhere.

I consider myself lucky that the only time I came across such comments online was when I found a photo of myself by reverse google search, that had been posted to some forum where people probably thought I'd never see what they'd write there. I am so, so happy that for me, the internet has always been my "safe place", where I surround myself who are positive and make me happy, because for many years of my life this was my only way to actually be happy at all. I know that experiencing cyber bullying would have destroyed me. Bullying in real life led to me to "escape" to the world wide web. If I had found bullying here as well, I wouldn't have known how to handle it.

So - back to the question "What would you change?"

Maybe my big, crooked nose? My asymmetrical face? My teeth? My moles? My boobs? My hips? My short legs? My arms?

Honest answer - if I could change anything... I'd fucking change PEOPLE.

Like the people who bullied me in middle school. People who told me I look disgusting. People who told me I look like shit. People who made me feel like I AM shit, worthless, not deserving to be treated any better. And who, over the time, made me believe all that to an extent that I am now so broken that on some days I can barely handle getting out of bed in the morning because still, after all these years, there are voices in my head that tell me I am a disgusting monster, and eyesore on legs, that shouldn't show itself to anyone. SO broken that I can hardly take professional criticism because the minute somebody points out any flaw about me or my work I get panic attacks that they hate me and think I am disgusting and do not deserve my job. SO broken that I can't take compliments, because when somebody says something positive about me the only thing I can think of is that they must be lying to me for some reason, or that I must have deceived them terribly because in fact, I am a horrible person and disgusting being.

If I could, I would change people, so that every time they want to make a snark or mean comment about someone's appearance, or just feel the need to "share" their opinion on someone else's body without bing asked, every time they want to say something that could ruin someone, that comment just gets stuck in their throats and they don't say it. Or their fingers suddenly grow numb and they don't type it.

And then they would start to think "What if somebody said that to me?". "Why do I even care what this person looks like?""Do I really always have to share my negative opinions?" and they would just stay put and don't or write it.

That's what I'd like to change. Because deep down I also know that no matter how much weight I lose or if I got all the plastic surgery in the world, it could never completely undo the damage that was done back then.

I think the problem is not us - the people who have a broken self image and lack the self-confidence to just shrug off any nasty comment. We shouldn't have to "toughen up." We should never have been broken in the first place.
It is the people who MAKE those remarks. The people who feel the need to impose their view on others, regarding EVERYTHING. Those who are so full of themselves that they don't seem to realize that their opinion might not, indeed should not even matter. The 1% or 5% or 10% in the crowd of thousands of comments who want to contribute to a discussion, who just want to comment on how awful they think you or your content are, who don't care about the topic constructive criticism and who can't even fathom that they might not even have been ASKED to give any criticism at all. Those who just feel like being destructive, and who trample over others and don't even give a shit. Some people might be able to shrug it off alright - others won't. And in the long run, this could destroy them.

I don't believe the media "feeds" us unrealistic images of beauty and proposes unhealthy standards. I believe that there are just too many people who trample all over other's self confidence, damaging or destroying it completely, giving them false self images and pressuring them into believing their opinion is somehow important simply by shouting it out at every occasion.
Nobody should change to adapt to anyone else's beauty standards or any kind of ideals. Instead, people should just have the decency to shut up about it if someone just doesn't meet their criteria for beauty or "perfection".

So, to end this blog post, I want to quote Thumper from Bambi once again and refer to a blog post I wrote on a similar topic a while ago:

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all"

So, last Saturday was "Picture my Day" Day again!

In case you never heard of it, it's an online event where people take photos of whatever they do that day and then share it with others! I think it's pretty interesting to take a little peek at other people's daily life, and I participated a couple of times already.

This time, I had a day free of work and studying - yay! So my pictures don't actually really reflect what I currently do with my life, but nevertheless, here they are :)

Late the previous night I had found this video and wrote a comment on youtube plus a blog post about the topic, and it went online shortly after 00:00!

The night was still young, so why not spend some time looking for things I wanted to buy for a long time and will be able to afford with my next salary? :D

The night was STILL young, so we decided to some random old content in WoW.

Realizing at 02:00am while brushing your teeth that you've been wearing your shirt the wrong way round all day long. I'm starting to understand the "mad scientist who fails at real life" cliché more and more XD

The night might not have been young anymore at that point but I really wanted to read a few pages....zzzZZZz....

(I just noticed that during the last PMD I coincidentally had the same bed sheets in use at that time XD)

Good morning! My boyfriend woke me around 10:00 to this rather underwhelming weather. It was like 25°C on Thursday, suddenly it was only 8°C ?!

Laundry. I feel like Sisyphos when it comes to laundry, I just can never get it all done before the next heap has already accumulated, despite the fact that we're only two and have a really big washing machine .__.

Super exciting breakfast. I love it how recipies for "healthy breakfast" often recommend fresh fruit, I always wonder, where the f*ck I'm I supposed to get fresh fruit in Austria in April that hasn't traveled half the world before it got to me?

Taking care of my babies. We have really hard water, which stresses my plants a lot, so I have to take special care that they don't die....

High-quality 3D rendering of our ideas for curtains in the living room.

Laundry. I hate laundry .__. and it was freezing cold on my balcony XD

The motto is: "Anything is better than nothing" so I went outside to run over to my parents' place.

I like to call it our village's "Downtown". The weather looked promising at first.

"Suburbs". Uh-oh, what are those clouds to the left up to...?

And that's my "old hood", near my parents' place. Picture taken after I ran through a mini-hail-storm XD

My mum always has lovely flowers and I love her garden. I found out that day that they're gonna renovate the balconies of our house this June, so I can't get flowers before they're done :<

I am as dead as I look :D

After a chat with my mum she gave me a ride home because she needed some letter from an insurance company that got sent to my place by mistake.

While chilling, I realized my comment on Cassey's video had received quite a bit of agreement.

Later, a friend came over to visit :3

After he left I finally decided to do what I had planned for Saturday: Give my hair an olive oil treatment. It was super dry and frizzed lately, so I just slathered some oil on everywhere... I smelled like antipasti for two hours XD

Then I took a bath. It quickly turned into an oil bath.

My glamorous Saturday night outfit.

Our even more glamorous Saturday night dinner: Leftovers!

Why did nobody tell me that David Tennant was in Frightnight? I mean, what could be better than discovering that David Tennant plays in a movie - except for David Tennant wearing skin-tight leather pants and black make up in that movie, perhaps? XD

All that running I'm doing lately would probably take a lot more effect if I could cut down on sweets.

Waiting for my hair to dry. I think at some point around the time this photo was taken, they day was actually over and the rest happened after midnight.

Since my hair takes forever to dry, I got a little help.

Tadaaa! A lot less dry and frizzed, but also a lot less pink than before o.o

Here you see it even better D: It's all orange now, but whatever. I'll probably just die them purple next time anyway.

Aaaand here ends the day for me! Sharkies were already waiting for me to come to bed....

What did you do on Saturday?
Anything more exciting than me? Well, probably you did ^^

Did you participate in "PMDD" too? If so, leave a link in the comments if you'd like :3

So, a few weeks ago there was some big news among my friends from high school times. Two of the girls are getting married this year! Obviously I am very excited and looking forward to attending to weddings this year ♥ I love weddings, it makes me really happy to attend them.

Being a perfectionist, of course I started to think about potential outfits already... I have plenty of ideas, as always, and luckily, the events won't be too formal. My boyfriend already sighed with relief that he won't have to wear a suit and tie, I, on the other hand, want to use this opportunity to dress up nicely for once, and of course... shop for some new clothes!

So roughly two years ago (wow, time flies!) I was in a similar situation, looking for something to wear to my brother's wedding. In the end, I ordered from Asian-based online store Dresslink.com. You might remember the detailed review I wrote about my order! Since I was really happy with the dresses I got from them, I decided to have a look if I find something interesting again for this occasion.

So, I started stalking the shop for a few days, browsing their insanely huge dresses section for something suitable, and perhaps also a blouse or two that would be suitable for Lolita in summer... and coincidentally at the same time, I was approached by someone from Dresslink.com and asked if I would like to introduce my readers to their new app in exchange for a sponsoring!

Unfortunately I can only introduce you to the concept, since I have a Samsung phone I could not try the app for myself, but the purpose of the app is clear: fast and easy online shopping! :( But (perhaps unless you are browsing their enormous dresses section, haha) it's an easy way to navigate their site! I do like to browse online shops via their mobile webpage, but some of them are buggy or take forever to load or just make my internet crash entirely. So I think it's cool that dresslink provides an app to avoid all those problems right away! Also, I think your first order with the app will receive a discount.

So... but what if you are like me and cannot try the app? Here are some other tipps for a bargain:

★ There is the possibility to get a coupon/discount called "cash coupon" upon checkout, don't forget to tick the box labelled as such during the chekout process, it will deduct a15% of the product value (excluding shipping and up to 50$) of your order. That's what I did :) It's the same kind of coupon you get when you register a new account.★

★ When you order from their site and then write a review for the product, you can get DL points. 100 can be converted to 2$. Save them and use them on a purchase in the future! ★

Okay, so back to dresses for weddings...

I was specifically looking for something elegant yet playful and maybe a bit girly. I like floral patterns a lot, and since one of the two weddings will take place in June, I'd need something that's also suited for hot weather. I also know that both of my friends are okay with casual clothes, so I have many options. Here are some items from my wish list.... If you click on the pictures, it will take you to the item's site on the store!

Dress overload ♥

So, this item caught my eye from afar because of the print! I also think it looks really cute with the ruffled hotpants the model is wearing. Obviously, it's not a "real dress" as in, without some kind of pants, shorts, bloomers, leggings or whatever, you probably won't wear them in public. Still, I think the design is very cute! Though for the June wedding, probably the long sleeves are too hot and I wouldn't feel comfortable showing so much leg (assuming I'd wear shorts) at a wedding.... Still,l it's cute - and comes in black and white!

Another item with a super cute design, and it looks so super comfy! I think I saw it in black or dark gray on the site somewhere as well. The only thing I don't particularly like about it are the ruffles on the left shoulder, other than that I think it's a nice design and depending on how it's worn could be worn either elegant or very playful/cute.

This design reminded me right away of the two dresses I bought two years ago and love so much! It's a bit simpler, and has full shirring at the chest instead of underbust, but that's fine I think, it should definitely fit many sizes that way! I particularly like the blue one and how the model wears it with a denim vest. I never thought I'd actually say something like that, haha! But it looks really lovely and perfect for summer!

What I like so much about this one is that it's a bit longer in the back (though I'd actually have to see if that's still true for my definitely not tiny non-Asian derrière, haha). I also think the transparent part gives it a nice touch. It looks very elegant, but also slightly sexy. Just not too much to be "too much" I'd say. I really like it! It comes in different colors, but for a wedding I'd chose the black one. Or is there something about not being supposed to wear black at weddings? I honestly don't know, I'm so bad at these things, haha!

Similar to the first "dress"; according to some reviews this is probably too short to be worn on its own. But it still looks super cute. There's another variant in a darker color somewhere on the website and apparently it's possible to remove the belt. The belt is actually the only thing I don't like about it so much... I have an aversion against all things brown :(

Bonus: Loli-able Items?

So, I was also looking at the blouses section, wondering if I might find something that I could use for Lolita! I have two long-arm white chiffon blouses and I love to wear them because they are so light and comfy, but unfortunately still too hot for summer. The short sleeved blouse I have doesn't really have quality lace, and is also rather thick mixed-synthetic fabric, so again not ideal for summer. In black, I actually only have a Bodyline blouse and a short-sleeved blouse with polkadot pattern that I can only wear with JSKs or a shirt underneath because its semi-transparent. So I was wondering if there would be, for example, any shirts I could use as cutsews or actual blouses... and to my surprise I found quite a few.

This shirt comes with super pretty sleeves and pearls on the collar. I think it would make a great cutsew and the fabric seems to be thin, so I could imagine wearing it under a JSK in warmer weather too.

This long sleeved shirt might not be perfect for summer, but it's made from cotton and should be suited for spring and early autumn! I think the design is very beautiful and the lace looks pretty ♥ I like the little pearl buttons especially. The only pity is that the black version has white lace. I'd love an entirely black version of this!

Moving away from the cutsews, this blouse is supposedly made from synthetic fabric, so it's probably more suitable for winter and will be rather warm. Nonetheless, it is very elegant. The high collar and puffed sleeves give it an aristocratic touch, and it's available in black and white!

A clock-shaped bag! How cool is that? I can't say which version I like better, the white or the black one, but I think the black one would suit my other clothes more. Definitely suited for Lolita styles like Classic or Gothic, and the price.... well, for that price you might as well buy all three colors, haha!

Lastly, some advice on how to best navigate the huge dress section.

★ I went through from "oldest" to "newest", because apparently the stuff that was flooding the page when I ordered the last time two years ago, is not so popular anymore (like floral patterns). The recent styles are often more extravagant, cutout dresses or with very bold patterns, which I don't like so much.★
★ You can search by color, although there is still a chance that the dress you find is sold out in your size (if there is more than one size available). The only thing I really miss is some kind of option to sort dresses by length!★
★ But anyways, you can still use search terms, in my case I was mostly interested in terms like "floral", "chiffon" or "summer". Using these terms it's easy to find interesting things, but if you have the time I still recommend browsing the entire section!★

In the end, I added many, many items to my wish list, then came back several times over the course of a few days to sort out items again I realized on a "second glance" I didn't actually like that much... so I wouldn't end up with a huge order that would break the budget, haha! But I think this is a good strategy to pick out just the items you really, really want/need and don't buy something and then regret it!

In conclusion, I think dresslink is the perfect option especially when you want to try out a new style for the first time, because the prices are just unbeatable. There are many bargain items to be found if you take your time to look around. For me, dresslink was the perfect opportunity to develop my style in a more "girly" way about two years ago. I wanted to know if I could feel comfortable wearing such clothes, that are very playful and cute, outside of Lolita, and at dresslink I had a broad choice and also couldn't do much wrong because of the great price.

I'm definitely looking forward to my next order.... and I'll definitely review the products again here on my blog, so stay tuned! :)

"I wake up at the dawning of your nightfall. You couldn't find your way back to the light."

When I wrote those lines of a poem 8 years ago, when we last talked, I was wondering if I would ever see you again. I was disappointed, mostly, not because I had been lied to, but because I couldn't really believe what everybody said about you - that you were an addict, about the things you had done, and the kind of person you were. To me, you were someone entirely different. I just couldn't believe them.

The only thing that ever gave me any consolidation were my mum's words when she said "If there has ever been anything that made him hold it together, it was you." Yet it was not long after my birth that you divorced. I never realized how much you hurt her, how she must have felt during that time. She did an awfully good job hiding it all and making me grow up completely oblivious. But some credit goes to you too - I never would have guessed, never would have known the reason for your divorce, if she hadn't told me around the time of my 16th birthday, that day when you called and cried and apologized for being a bad father. I was so confused, because to me, you never were a bad father or even a bad person. To me, you were my dad. But I realize now that the person I knew and the person everyone else knew were two very different people.

Yet, I also grew up all those years wondering if I was actually ever "wanted". My mum was pregnant when she married you, so my first thought was that having me was not "planned". When I learned the details of the divorce, I thought that even more. And for a long, long time I thought my mother really would have been off so much better if she would have had an abortion instead of having me. Only a few years ago I learned that you two actually wanted to have a family. You wanted to have a child, maybe children. You wanted to switch from military service to police. Sometimes I wonder how all our lives would have been if these dreams had all come true.

But alas. Here I am. An only child. My mother remarried. When she married my step dad in 2004, a man whose own children are 10 years older than me and who was probably not entirely prepared and willing to fulfill a father role for another little girl, I was totally lost. I just wanted a normal family, but the early years of this patchwork family were not always easy and I often felt alone and did not know what to do. For a long time, I really thought my mother would be better of without me. That my step dad would love her more if I wasn't in the way of their relationship, or something like that. I felt guilty for existing, I thought I had ruined her life, and probably yours too, simply because I was born.

And you, you tried your best to be a father, I guess. I think you did a fairly good job. All the more surprised I was to find out one day that you probably never paid a cent of alimony for me, that you were an alcoholic, a gambler, and that more than once you could not keep your promises to my mum and canceled meetings with me, like that one time when you apparently lost your license for a while for drunk driving. But I never noticed. I never knew. And honestly, once I knew I was more confused than angry or sad. I was wondering, if I had just been blind all these years, because I could not understand how all of this was possible - that the man that I knew as my father was the same man I heard all those awful stories about.

I think many of my darkest demons were born in those days. When I looked into the mirror and saw only your face, instead of my own. And I wondered if my mother saw me like that too - as your child, the child she had with you, the mistake she had made while being with you. It broke me. It tore me apart, all those years. Finding out that I having me had been "planned" was a relief, but it did not undo all the damage. And I spent years not being able to see myself in the mirror, and even today I sometimes can't - no matter how much people tell me I look like my mother's side of the family.

Over those years, you wasted away like a slowly dying flower. In retrospect, it was like watching a slow motion train wreck. I knew the day would come. The only question was, would I muster the courage to call out for you before the trains collide, or would I be too late.

Turns out, I was too late.

When my mother called me last week to tell me that you were in hospital again, and not in a good shape, well, I remembered how a few years back you had your first stroke and it was basically the same - the same call, the same "They don't know if he'll make it" and the same "I just wanted to let you know" and the same assertive and supportive words from her and my boyfriend. I guess I thought it would be the same again this time. That I wouldn't have to decide on anything, that I would probably get another chance, another year, another decade to worry about all this. But before I could even figure out if I should write you a letter, I received another call, and it was too late.

And I just don't know how to feel about all this.
Some people probably think I should be sad, or angry, or I don't know what. All I can say is, to some extent, I am relieved, because I won't ever have to face any decision regarding you again, watching it pass slowly before my eyes, unable to move, completely paralyzed and terrified to decide on ANYTHING. I am relieved because it means that if I ever get married, I won't have to ask myself I want to invite you. I won't have to think about you every Christmas, every November at your Birthday, at Father's day, my own birthday (which I actually never really enjoyed again after my 16th birthday, when we last talked), won't have to wonder every time I achieve something in life if I should let you know and write you a letter.

I really thought about writing you a letter, you know, when I heard you were in hospital. But I didn't know what to write. If I had written that I wasn't mad for you not writing back the last time I tried to reach out - would you have thought it was a hidden accusation? If I had written that I probably can't visit because I would like to remember you as the person you were to childhood me, instead of the person you had become over the last years, would it have made you sad? If I had written, would you have even read it? Were you even thinking of me over these years? At all?

I don't know. And I thought I don't care anymore, but apparently I still do. Because your death shook me so hard that I messed up my work and was awkward and agitated all week. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my boss that the reason I can't come to work on Saturday was your funeral. I couldn't handle the fact that I cared so much more than I have ever thought.

And nobody I talked to really understood how I feel - I don't expect them, because I honestly don't know myself. Some people are like "I get it, it must be weird to lose your father without really knowing him" or "You are allowed to cry, you lost your father after all".
But neither of it is completely true.

The thing is, I do not cry because I lost you. I cried a lot these days, about some sad song on the radio, I almost cried at work a few times because of something my boss or a colleague said or because I dropped stupid ethanol spray bottle. But I did not cry for you.

It was not my father who died. It was the last hope of you ever becoming the person you used to be again.

So yes, I guess I am sad. I am disappointed, maybe a bit angry - mostly at myself - and I hate all of this. I wish I could make it all go away, all the unhappiness, the stress, the tension. But the thing with these situations is - when you think, on a whim, "I wish I could turn back time" or something like that - you realize that there is no point in time you could successfully go back to to stop all of this from happening. Nobody could have stopped this. Especially not me. Not by being not born, not by being stronger and reaching out sooner. I think you chose your fate a long time ago, and all I can hope for is that in those 53 years you had on earth, at least some of them were filled with happiness, and that there are some people out there, who will remember you the same way that I'll do.

Not as that broken shell of a person that years of addiction and disease made out of you, but the man my mother fell in love with. The man who went to Kosovo for a peace keeping mission, and smiles from a photo wearing his ceremonial white uniform with toddler-me on his arm. The man who always seems to have a smirk on his lips and taught me to play tennis and bought post cards for my mum when I stayed for a week or two in summer, and bought me all the glitter stickers the shop had as well, and who helped pick which ones to decorate the post card with. The man who spent half of the night awake with me, reading books and Asterix comics, and never told me to turn off the light to get some sleep, because it was during vacation anyway. The man who played real-time strategy computer games with me and helped lay the ground for my love of computer games. The man who was probably the only person I knew who understood my passion for the Latin language, who translated the inscription of the One Ring to Latin for me as a little gift and game when I was in my LotR fan-phase. The man who created amazing art and took interest in so many things that it would seem to me whenever we talked, he had found a new passion that he was excited about.

That is the man I will remember. The man whom I would have loved to tell about my work, with whom I would have loved to share my own passion for science and art. The man I have been missing for 8 years now, and whom I now have no chance of ever getting back again.

Farewell, Dad. My hope died last.

A while ago I decided to try a different hair color for the warmer season. After being pretty much everything between magenta and almost blond for the past few months I wondered what kind of hair color I could go for that would hopefully still look good when washing out. I really liked the pastel pink I got after a few washes, but the last two times the color washed out so unevenly that it just looked really shabby...

So I decided to do another bleach wash to get rid of the pink (admittedly not my best diea considering my hair was already very dry to begin with...) and then my friend Mimi was so kind to dye my hair violet! The idea is that since violet is also used to "counter" the yellow-orange hue of bleached hair, when the color washes out it will gradually turn into a more pastel-lilac kind of shade (hopefully) and then ultimately a grayish blond. So if I decide not to dye my hair again in summer (my parents would probably not like me to dye their pool :'D) the color will still be wearable.

I soon realized that with this color it's even harder to color-coordinate some "daily" outfits now, because I have so little that matches this color. I mean, for work I usually just wear whatever I find in my closet blindly in the morning, but last week end for Mother's Day, I went to visit my grandma and we had a little family gathering, so I wanted to wear something nice for once.

Luckily I found this nice top at the J-Fashion Bring & Buy in Vienna about two weeks ago! I adore the print, it has some purple in it, and the color is a nice grayish kind of beige. If you know me you know how I hate the color brown, and I'm only slowly getting comfortable with shades of off-white and beige, but this one I like a lot actually!

Derpy look XD

Oh god I almost showed my teeth while smiling! Impossible! XD

Mimi also cut my bangs so they're a lot shorter now!
Here's a picture of how my hair looked like before I went to see her:

I really liked my eye brows that day :O but you can see how unevenly the color washed out....

At first the violet was really dark, now it already washed out a bit. After being pastel pink and blond for a few weeks the first look at my new hair color was a bit of a shock for me XD Now I am already looking forward to it washing out a bit more. Also, if I decide to go for purple second time I would probably dilute the color more.

I mentioned before that a friend of mine is going to get married soon, and I think if my hair washes out so unevenly again I will probably dye it once more. I am also more and more considering to just cut my hair and just wear more wigs.... currently my hair is super dry and I don't think it will recover :( But I know that short haircuts don't really suit me very much so I really can't decide what to do XD

In the meantime... maybe I'll do another olive oil treatment!

What hair color should I try next after purple? :3
I'm tempted to go for turquoise with dark blue undercolor or something, but I'd probably have to get a way more layered hair cut for that, and I'm not sure if it would look good with my hair. Also, I heard that blue dyes look weird when they wash out.... so many decisions! Well, let's see how the purple will turn out!

PS: I still have massive amount of stuff to review from my dresslink order and sponsoring. Unfortunately many of the photos I took are really badly lit, despite my camera being set to manual settings it decided to randomly underexpose some of the images... but anyway I wanna show you what I ordered, so hopefully I get a chance to edit the photos soon....

Hey, I'm not dead!
Just barely alive and trying to cope with all the work I have to do...

I am done finding excuses for myself for not updating my blog. These days I thought a lot about shutting it down entirely, but then I thought, there are still some pretty good memories here. Some people might stumble upon it because of some review or because they wanna find out about my studies. So I will let my blog remain active, I will just try not to be so worried because I don't have time to post....

To be honest, this will probably not change in the near future.
My life has made a 180° turn since I started working on my thesis project. 60h+ per week in the lab is the norm. I spend my week ends brain dead, doing nothing, or being soically obliged to meet someone, do something or another... in the end, there is usually no time to dress up, or even take photos of anything. So I don't really know what to talk about anymore.

★ So what really happened these past months? For those of you who are interested and don't wanna search the recent blog posts for the bits and pieces of personal information, here's a summary...

★ Well, I got this awesome thesis project that is going pretty well... so well actually that I will probably have to postpone my thesis defense to get even more data!

★ I also got accepted into the graduate school of my university of choice, meaning I'll be a PhD student from September on (this means even less free time...)

★ I got more serious about working out more and got a bike for that purpose in the beginning of May. Unfortunately I had a little surgery two weeks after that and couldn't use the bike for a few weeks after that because the wound didn't heal well. I'll probably have quite the scar but at least by now it has healed and I can go to work by bike again! We also try to go running more often again, me and my boyfriend.... the only thing I can't seem to do is stop eating so many sweets *^*

★ I got a lot of stuff from Dresslink.com and even took pictures for a review, but later realized most of them were underexposed and super grainy... and my motivation to dress up and take them again was not very big.... sorry >_< Here's two distorted cat faces to make up for it:

★ My hair has faded from purple to purple-blue-gray...

...and then to greenish-gray D:

It looks way less awesome in real life, which is why I decided to have it cut by my friend Mimi... I hope that I will be happier again when it is a bit shorter, which means it's easier to dye and also the super dry tips, which I have been trying to rescue in vain for a few months now, won't tangle anymore...

★ One of my best friends got married ♥ I am so happy for her, I have no words. It was definitely one of the greatest, most fun events in the past months and I am so happy that I could be part of this. Best moment of the night was when she told me she had forgotten her "something blue" at home but it didn't matter, because my hair was kinda blue XD

★ In my free time, I played some computer games... we got The Witcher 3 Collector's Edition ♥ I also got Cities:Skyline in the Steam Summer Sale and ever since Fallout 4 was officially announced I started playing Fallout New Vegas... it really helps me relax after a long day at work, though in all honesty I guess I spend too much time playing ^^"

★ Oh, and there are two important upcoming events: First, I got a ticket for the Metamorphose Tea Party in Vienna! I am super excited and of course I have no idea what to wear yet XD The second event is the Apocalyptica concert... this time we got VIP tickets! I can't believe I'm actually going to meet one of my favorite bands ♥

★ Lolita related side note: There is a "Harajuku Fashion Walk" in Vienna in July. I really, really, really, really wanna go there. I already planned and outfit and ordered some more stuff that I need for it... now all that's left is to hope that I can actually go there ;__; I already missed the last two opportunities to wear Lolita and meet the guys from the comm v__v

★ And on a more personal note.... after my father kinda unexpectedly (but not really) passed away, I thought a lot about the past and what had happened between us. At first I was mad I guess, that I was deprived of my chance to make amends or try to get in touch again. Then I was really sad because the longer I kept thinking about him, the more happy memories of our time together came back. In the end, there's nothing I can do now, except trying to take it as a lesson for life... I won't let someone I care for go so easily ever again.

So, you might wonder why you should stay a reader of this blog at all, and what's to come in the future?
Well, I will try to go "back to the roots". There's a lot I really do wanna write about. More personal stuff, my opinion on different things. It's easier to write these when I don't overthink it or try to make it very elaborate with matching photos or such. I'll just post whenever I feel like it... about whatever I feel important at that time. Like back when I started this blog and used it more as a kind of "diary".

I still wanna "document" the major events in my life. Sometimes this is difficult because there are many people in my life whom I care for and I don't wanna disclose too much of their personal information or even post photos of them here. I will try my best to collect these memories here without involving them too much or going too much into depth.

In the end, like I said, I won't make any promises anymore... as the kind of person who doesn't even manage to keep promises to themselves, I am sick of that. I am struggling with life as it is anyway, and I just don't want my blog to be another "concern" or just a point on my seemingly never ending to-do list... I don't want unhappy feelings to be related to my blog. Because this is supposed to be my "happy place", right?
Anyway. If you feel like you want to talk outside of my blog and we aren't already in touch, feel free to add me on twitter - it's probably the easiest way to reach me these days.

So, I guess that's it!
See you next time - hopefully soon!

PS: I guess this entry was initially intended to be much more deep and personal... hence the gloomy title. But I feel like I should talk about this at another opportunity. I'm just to tired to figure out how to write down more of my feelings right now.

Hello,

Better late than never - I wanted to review these lenses from lensvillage for a looong time already, but there were several complications. First, one of the lenses I got had some kind of damage... when I tried to put it in it felt scratchy and weird. I thought it might just be because I have such dry eyes at the moment, but upon closer inspection I really found something that looked like a little plaque or maybe a cut in the lens' surface! So I asked for a replacement which arrived super fast, but... then the next problem started - I don't "officially" have any allergies diagnosed, but for weeks my eyes were teary and I would just cry away all my make up as soon as I put it on. I also suspected some of my make up products because some are quite old already... so I threw them away and waited till my eyes got better... aaaaand then I got an eye infection out of the blue. And finally, after it has healed, I can now show you some close up pictures of my newest lenses, phew.

But let this be a lesson to you guys too... don't wear lenses when your eyes are not healthy! And when you think something is wrong with your lens, don't just shrug it off and put it into your eye anyway!! If you got your lenses from lensvillage they will definitely exchange the broken lens for you - but really that's something any decent seller should do!

Nothing is worth the risk of ruining your eyes, always remember that! :3

So, now: on to the actual review!

Feat. lots of random shit in the background because I took these pics in the living room XD

The name of this model is Furfur Pearl Prime Violet, follow the link to get to them!

According to Lensvillage, they are actually manufactured by Dueba but re-branded under the name "Dolleye".

Color & Design

Feat. my new pair of Black Milk leggings ♥ I never actually got to wear them because since they arrived we had >30°C and I'm dying in hotpants already...

The color of the lenses is incredibly pretty. Ever since my very first pair of circle lences which was also purple, I was totally hooked on that color. It is super vibrant and I like the design with the thick black limbal ring. The stripey pattern is reminiscent of the actual pattern of an iris, making them appear relatively "life-like", if it wasn't for the color!

Whoops, no make-up here, looks a bit weird, sorry!

The color is vibrant and very strong. I suspect that they would cover even dark eyes very well and give a nice effect there! With my blue eyes, the only problem is that the transition between the colored rim and my actual iris is not very smooth. When I first saw them I thought they would "blend" a bit better but oh well. On the eye, the color actually looks pretty dark, even on my light eyes - meaning that the best effect on dark eyes is probably in daylight, but there I really think they'd "pop"! :D

Comfort

Though they are only 14.5 mm in diameter, I somehow had problems with these lenses. it is hard to say if this is due to the fact that my eyes are very dry and "bitchy" these days anyway, or if it's perhaps there comparably low water content of 38%. In comparison, the lenses I previously reviewed, iFairy Venus, have 55% water content. It could be that combined with my dry eyes, this contributed to this problem. I tried them out for about an hour or so, but after that my eyes started hurting a bit and also started to tear (I know it seems ironical that my eyes would tear so much when I say they are in fact dry... but I believe it's some kind of "over reaction"). Anway, so after a while I just took them out and wore my normal optical lenses that day, which also were not super comfortable, but bearable.

The issue with dry eyes is that it can have many reasons. For some people, it's allergies. When you work with a computer screen for a long time, you tend to blink less, which can also lead to dry eyes. Lastly, hormonal contraception like the anti-baby pill can have dry eyes as a side effect! Take these things into consideration when you want to order/wear circle lenses. It's advisable to have a bottle of eye drops with you at all times when you wear any kind of contact lens! And if they get too scratchy, take them out! Better safe than sorry..

Overall Impression & Summary

I wanna give these lenses the benefit of the doubt. I will definitely try to wear them later this year, or at least when the weather is a bit less hot and more allergy-friendly. If you have very sensitive eyes, I advise some caution with these lenses. In case of doubt, better go for a pair with higher water content as these are usually more comfortable to wear! As for the design, they are super pretty, not as suitable for my eye color as I had hoped but still the effect - especially from afar - is quite big!

Color/Design:

★★★★★

Enlargement/Effect:

★★★★★

Comfort:

★★★★★

Overall:

★★★★★

And as for closing words - happy Shark Week everyone! :3

Hey there,

I was thinking about whether I should post this or not for a long time, but I feel like it will help me to get my thoughts "out there", so I decided to post it after all... If you don't wanna read my ranting please just ignore this post!

So yesterday was actually really cool event in Vienna - the first ever J-fashion walk as part of the international Harajuku Fashion Day! It's been a really long time since the last J-fashion meet up, and there were so many people dressed in different styles, it was really cool! I got to know some new people and also saw some well-known faces again. After I couldn't go to any Lolita meet ups since March or so, it made me really happy to have an opportunity to dress up and wear some make up, too .... but this is not what I actually wanna talk about today, though I hope there will be some photos soon so I can show you some.

Instead, I wanna share my thoughts on a few things - I really thought a lot about my hobbies and especially Lolita lately, and it has become increasingly frustrating to live my life like this. Of course, a career in science is by default not exactly easy. There are no clear working hours, you might spend weeks doing the same assay that just won't work, you might spend months on something that ends up not working as intended or not at all. It is in itself a kind of job that requires you to have a high tolerance to frustration and so it takes, in my opinion, a lot of effort to stay motivated.
And I can somehow manage that - I do get up every morning, I go to work, I do what I have to do and more. My two major objectives in life at the moment are work - because I wanna finish my thesis as soon as possible - and getting at least 8h of sleep at night, because I can't concentrate if I don't sleep enough, which is fatal in the lab....

So, between roughly 9-10h work per day, 8h sleep and let's say 1h cycling to and from work in total per day, you can guess that there's not much free time left.
And it drains me so fucking much. I never would have thought that I would ever be too tired to watch a stupid movie on the sofa at night. "Let's rather watch some series because the episodes are shorter". Because I just can't keep concentrated. I never would have thought that I would be too tired to even turn on my computer and procrastinate before I go to bed, let alone play any games at all. All I can do is lie on the sofa and feel brain dead before I go to bed and prepare myself for another day just like that.

It's getting pretty depressing, not because I don't love my job but because I fell like I can physically not keep this pace up anymore. Not because I don't want to. Not because I'm not motivated. Rather because I am tired all the time and so, so sad that I can't get myself to do anything fun because I'm too tired. And when there's three week ends in a row filled with family events or other important stuff, and maybe even having to work some extra hours, I feel so dead inside I can barely show any kind of emotion anymore. I am hot unhappy, I feel just totally dead.
And then I always end up running into people (real life or online) who end up telling me one way or another that science is bullshit, because science couldn't save their husband from dying from cancer, or that big pharma wants to kill us all, or that we're all just a bunch of sadistic animal murderers...

It. Is. So. EXHAUSTING.

A few years back, I was imagining how great it would be when I'd have a real job, maybe even paying roughly 4 figures, having my apartment and being able to afford nice stuff once in a while, and not having to turn over every stupid cent thrice to be able to afford gas for my car at the end of the month. Now I have a job that pays (which I have to be grateful for because for many people, their undergrad positions don't!), I have this apartment, I have all reason to be happy, yet I'm again in the situation where I am constantly freaking out that something might happen to the car, or the aparment, or me or my boyfriend or the world or whatever else, and I just cannot bring myself to buy ANYTHING with good conscience. I have a bad conscience for buying expensive food. I feel bad for spending money on nail polish remover because I ran out, because it's an unnecessary luxury that I could live without easily, because I could just not paint my nails. I feel bad for spending time on dying my hair that I could also spend doing something more useful for others. I feel bad for feeling bad about myself because it shouldn't matter how I look, only what I do. So I hate myself for being superficial, desiring a certain dress, wishing to put on nail polish, being sad that I had to cut my hair and being depressed that I have such a hard time losing weight.

BECAUSE NO ONE FUCKING CARES ANYWAY. Right?

It's hard to understand, I guess, but I suppose this is how it feels to be depressed. I'm not going so far as to call it a depression, and it is far from the worst "downs" I've so far had in my life, but it is hard. My thoughts and worries, my anxiety, my inner demons make everything so terribly hard that I feel like I'm drowning and just barely managing to keep my head above water most of the time, and I'm far from ever finding the strength to be able to swim back to shore.

So once in a while I think of way to cheer me up. But I can think of none. Of course, I could buy that dress that I wanted, and then I would look at it longingly. put it in the wardrobe and now wear it for months if not years, because there is no occasion anyway. Of course, I could try to take even better care of my body so at least I'm physically healthy - but after not eating any sweets and going 10km by bike every day and not feeling ANY kind of change at all, one has to wonder what that effort is worth. Of course, I could spend my free time surrounded with friends and family and being cheerful and enjoying summer. If it wasn't for the fact that with the recent heat wave I get all kinds of physical ailments like rashes and allergic reactions. I know I'm in a bad mood, so I don't wanna have anyone around me usually, for fear of dragging them down with me. My boyfriend - well I can't protect him from that anyway because we live together, and it makes me feel even worse.

At the moment, I am seriously doubting my life choices. I wonder if I'd be happier if I had studied something else and had gotten a different job. If I'd be happier with a 9-5 job that pays moderately well and allows me to buy nice things once in a while and still have enough free time for my hobbies. If I'd be happier if I had went on an entirely different route and pursued an artistic career - or if I'd just miss science then?
I don't know. But I feel so sad and empty right now that I can't help but wonder about these things.
I just wish I could do more of the things that I love - and not have the feeling that I suck at all of them anyway.

In the end, maybe it's just my usual summer depression. Maybe it will just get better when the weather gets more humane again. Currently we have a heat wave and for the past two weeks or so there was barely a night with <25°C and a day with <30°C.

Ultimately, I just wonder how other people do it.
How do you manage to lead happy lives?
Cope with all the things you HAVE to do and still have time for things you WANT to do?
Justify what you want in front of others without feeling bad about doing something just for yourself, your own enjoyment and fun...?

I can't. I feel like I don't deserve to treat myself, especially now when I don't manage to do what I have to do, especially now. And I just wonder when it happened that I somehow forgot how to love myself and be happy.

Okay, so this entry might ruffle some petticoats and as a disclaimer, I'd first of all like to point out that I do not mean to offend anyone or their religious feelings here. I just though about this topic for a while now, so I thought I'd write a few words about my opinion!
If you have very strong feelings about your religion/belief you might not want to read this, but if you are feeling open for a discussion I'd be happy if you leave me a comment with your opinion!

Now that this is out of the way, let's start with a proper introduction.
In the last few weeks I've come across several articles online which describe "Muslim Lolita" as a new fashion trend. Mostly shared by Lolita friends on facebook or twitter, I was surprised to see the media catch up on this topic now, after all to my knowledge these girls have been around for quite some time. First of all, I have to say that all of the images I have seen so far of Alyssa and Noor, the two girls who seem to have pioneered this "style", look really really great and I think the do a great job incorporating their hijab into their coords. However, it makes me wonder if the simple fact that these girls are muslim and wear a hijab to their coords is really sufficient to call this an entirely new "fashion trend", or even a substyle.

Lolita has many substyles - from Sweet to Gothic to Classic, all have a few defining characteristics and elements which make them what they are. Sometimes, new subsytles or sub-substyles arise, such as OTT Sweet, Bittersweet or OTT Classic. Looking back at F Yeah Lolita's predictions about ridiculous substyles from 2011, I cannot help but chuckle every time I see a picture of Meta's Bubble Bath print or someone wearing book-styled items as fashion accessories.

The "ridiculous" predictions that still somehow came true to a certain extent show that the fashion is vast and people can draw their inspiration from virtually anything. There are prints featuring carousels, unicorns, mermaids, birds, cats, dogs (even Doge!) and - yes, there are also lots of dresses which feature crosses or other religious symbols, or draw their inspiration from religious places such as the various stained glass prints.

Yet the latter are still part of a certain subsytle - usually Gothic or Classic - and nobody would call a Lolita wearing a dress with crosses "Christian Lolita". If a Christian Lolita decides to wear a print with crosses or crosses as accessories, would that make it a new substyle?

Now arguably, the meaning of the cross as a religious symbol for Christianity has been kinda "washed out" over the time, and it is nowadays perhaps also associated with European culture/architecture - especially to people overseas - and of course also Satanism and the occult to some extent. It also still holds its original symbolic meaning of torture and pain, at least for anyone familiar with the origin of the object and its name, the Latin word "cruciare" - to torture and to "nail to the cross", to crucify. Ultimately, the meaning of this symbol is different depending on who you ask. In that way, it is very different to the muslim tradition of women wearing a headscarf. While a person wearing a print with crosses is not automatically assumed to be a believer of the Christian faith, a person wearing a hijab is most likely assumed to be muslim. Wearing it is a much stronger "statement".

Yet, does all this make "Muslim Lolit" a new fashion trend?

I think the articles that circulate online about Alyssa and Noor and this new "trend" fail to understand Lolita fashion in general. One or two people wearing Lolita clothing in a particular way do not yet make a new substyle. Even if such a "movement" gains popularity, each substyle is also defined by certain rules - in the case of Bittersweet, there's the main simple rule that it's a Sweet-themed print in pastel colors with black being the main color. People starting to change one aspect about their coords and do something that was not particularly popular before do not create a new substyle yet - for example, nobody would get the idea to call "Wig Lolita" a substyle or even a particular trend, just because there are (actually lots of) Lolis who wear wigs while others prefer to style their real hair.

But I think the strongest argument against calling "Muslim Lolita" a new "trend" in the Lolita scene, is that this new trend would not be inclusive. Already now some people claim that crowns that look like the halos in Christian paintings and of statues, or certain symbols from other religions like Judaism or Buddhism, should not be incorporated into a fashion as an accessory because it would be "cultural appropriation". Outside of Lolita, I also remember a fuss in the Gyaru scene a few years back about someone wearing Bindi, a traditional Hinduistic decoration of the forehead. These symbols are much more strongly associated with their corresponding religion and people of that religion might be offended if a non-believer were to wear this symbol as a fashion accessory. "Muslim Lolita" has its limitations in that very aspect - and I wonder if the girls interviewed for these articles would be very happy to see other, non-muslim Lolitas starting to wear head scarfs as a fashion accessory.

The decision to wear this symbol of their beliefs is their own, but for me it has nothing to do with the fashion. There is no rule that states you must use only your real hair for Lolita or a wig. There are people who wear wigs, half-wigs, extensions, hats, veils, books or even freaking ships on their head. It's not like Lolita fashion defines itself by the hairstyle you chose and as long as it suits the outfit, pretty much anything is allowed. Similarly, the muslim Lolis chose the colors of their hijab to match their outfits and on first glance on the first pics I saw of them, I didn't even realize that this was not simply their hair or a wig.

The articles I read describe "Muslim Lolita" like a new trend that arose and will likely gain popularity. Yet the wording "Muslim Lolita" makes it sound like any other substyle of the fashion, like "Gothic Lolita" or "Sweet Lolita". But the girls I see in the pictures are wearing Sweet Lolita, or Classic Lolita, or whatever else they chose - the simple fact that they also wear their hijabs does not change that fact and does not turn this into a new trend or fashion substyle. The Vice interview with Alyssa was one of the better written articles on the topic that I came across. They made an effort to understand the fashion and do not call it a new trend. Essentially, this is what it boils down to: Alyssa and Noor are Muslim girls wearing Lolita with their hijab. There are other Muslim Lolitas not wearing a hijab. While I am happy for each and everyone who finds this fashion, likes it and feels happy in the "scene", I feel like the better approach to talk about this "phenomenon" would be to encourage people of all beliefs, ethnicities and genders to join the fashion if they like it, and try to incorporate who they are into their coordinates - simply be yourselves! After all, Alyssa and Noor show that it can be done, many Brolitas show that it can be done, and ultimately every non-Asian person shows that it can be done.

I think we should approach this topic from a different angle - it is about who you are "outside" of Lolita. While wearing Lolita, this is something all of us share and something "inclusive". Substyles have to do with the fashion itself and what you wear is your choice within the fashion's boundaries. But your life outside of Lolita is what really makes the members of this community such a diverse group. Even in our relatively small country of Austria we have Lolitas of different age groups, professions/occupations, different original Nationalities and most likely different beliefs. Yet we are all dressing in Lolita - and are not "High School Lolita", "Office Lady Lolita", "Scientist Lolita" or "Med student Lolita". Perhaps I was so affected by this topic because for me especially, the me "outside" of Lolita is very different from my "Lolita self". I am so many things, but when I dress up in Lolita I am just happy to be part of the community. There is no need for me to point out the differences concerning my private life for the sake of an argument - everyone is aware that they are there, that each of us has a different back story. But at the meet up, we are all Lolitas - no matter if you wear a wig, hat, real hair, cupcake or hijab on your head.

Well, I guess in the end my opinion on this does not really matter anyway. But I'm curious how other people - especially the Lolitas among my readers - think about this topic.

Let me know in the comments!

Hey guys, long time no "see"!

As in... it's been a while since I showed my face i.e. outfits or make up here. It's mainly because I have so little occasions to dress up. And then, there was this horrible heat wave that came over Austria - we had almost 40°C for days and minimum 25°C at night, so it was super hot even inside my apartment D:

Anyways - a while ago I was approached by dressgal.com and asked to introduce their shop to my readers! So I picked some clothers that immediately caught my eye! It took me a while till I could get the review done, though, because of the heat x_x And also, because of work... but I'm on vacation this week, so I had time to dress up for fun a bit :3

I'm so in love with this outfit, I can't wait for autumn to wear it somewhere! This time, I only dressed up inside to take some photos because 35°C are way too warm for fake lather leggings v_v but it's supposed to get colder soon, yay!

So here's the details of my outfit!

These Laced leather leggings (out of stock there at the moment, but re-listed here) are really amazing, I love the mixture of fabrics and the design! The only thing I noticed is that on the pictures on the shop, the lacing goes down much further towards the bottom seam, whereas on my pair, the lacing stops somewhere mid-calf. I don't really mind, I think it still looks pretty cool, though I was a little bit disappointed.

However, there is this extra lace on the side seams (you can see it well in the two photos above), that I might remove from the sides and add it to the bottom of the lacing.The leggings come with the bands separate so you have to do the lacing yourself, but the advantage is that you can decide on the space between the criss-crosses.

I was very self conscious wearing them at first because the are very thin an tight, and the additional lace on the sides made my legs appear a bit wider than they are anyway. I probably would not wear them with flat shoes because I'm only 1.60m as it is, and this is definitely a product more suited for tall people with long legs :'D But I had wanted to give it a try... and I think the price is pretty much worth experimenting :3

The second item I bought from Dressgal and that I'm wearing on the picture is this synthetic lace longshirt/dress. It's really not so easy to tell if this is one or the other! On me, it's definitely a dress. I bought it in size S and I was pretty surprised because from the pictures I was expecting something more like a longshirt. But if I had checked the measurement table first I would have known what to expect :'D At any rate, as such it was a bit too wide around the waist and made me look a bit pregnant, so I decided to combine it with this corsage-belt and I really like how it turned out!

I think the combination with the laced leggings works especially well due to this lace pattern being very similar on both items. I love the detail and I was surprised how comfortable the dress turned out to be!

Last but not least, I picked a few items for nail decoration! From top to bottom, these are Crystal Rhinestones, Clear round rhinestones, Mini-pearl-crowns and Mini-ribbons. Aren't they cute? :D

I was pleasantly surprised at how different the two types of rhinestones actually are - the ones on the left are bit more iridescent, like little prisms, whereas the round ones are more plain and sparkle like little drops of water! I already have plans for the little crowns and rhinestones - I plan to make a pair of super fancy fake nails, but I cannot wear them at work so I'd have to find some non-permanent nail glue! Is there even such a thing? At any rate, these are just they types of things that you really "need to have" when you see them, even if you cannot use them right away, I guess :'D

Dressgal actually offers a lot of cute nail accessories in their Beauty section, be sure to have a look before you check out, since these things are so small and cheap they do not add much to your package weight/shipping cost! :3

Overall, Dressgal is a cool Asian-fashion inspired online store that's definitely worth checking out!

Have you done some online shopping recently? Tell me what you bought in the comments! :3

Picture my Day #19 took place this week on Sep 1st, and as usual I almost forgot about it until I saw someone else post a picture with the familiar #pmdd19, haha!

So better late than never, here's a short visual summary of my day... I didn't do anything special, because I'm on vacation this week. It was supposed to be some time for relaxing and mentally preparing for my upcoming PhD, but it didn't really work out as expected because every day, there was something else already planned... Tuesday was the only day where I didn't "have" to do anything in particular, so I was quite lazy in the end ^^

What would a #pmdd be without the obligatory first post-midnight photo?

...or without a Sharky photo? :3 So nice of him to help me find my glasses in the morning.

Admiring the previous day's work. I never actually showed this part of our bedroom in the room tour entry because the wardrobe doors are so fucking ugly :'D So now we finally found a relatively cheap solution to get rid of that eye sore... click here to see a "before" picture!

Breakfast and checking news on my twitter feed!

Browsing for stockings... I need something to fit my dress for the tea party, but I don't have the dress yet, so it's hard to chose some XD

And after another 3h of not having moved my ass away from the computer....

Time for a break. To get motivated for home improvement work, I had a look at the mess that is our balcony at the moment. They are getting renovated in the next two months.

That abomination of a door you see on the right side leaning against the wall is our front door. Did I mention I don't like the color brown or strong patterend dark wood?

So since we can't just buy a new door, we decided to paint the old one! And oh, what a glamorous and flattering photo of me that is.

Tadaaa!

And if you thought my day could not possibly get any more thrilling....

I spent the rest of the evening with Dragon Age II, later we made some popcorn and had a little movie night :3 Aaaand I neded up forgetting to take any more pictures, haha.

So that's it.
As you may have noticed, most photos look really crappy. I feel like my phone is slowly dying, after I found out that the battery was broken (bloated) and replaced it I though it would fix things, but it's still not working very well and one of the things I noticed is that it has problems focusing the camera in even good daylight conditions. At any rate, I will not be able to get a new phone before December, but depending on when the next PMD will be, I might already have a new phone - i.e. more motivation to take photos and more of them actually turning out okay - by then!

How was your day, did you participate in PMD?

Hello, long time no see!

I wanted to post this much, much sooner but I am super busy - graduate school has started, we have homework, I have three projects that I need to finish before December and my thesis is still nor written and defended (meaning I'm still BSc and not MSc. Fortunately it does not matter for grad school, but still, I'd like to get this done before the end of the year!).

So, all lame excuses aside, of course I'm very excited and happy to write a blog post about the Metamorphose Tea Party in Vienna, which took place on the 17th October.

The first big surprise came for me a few weeks before the event, when I found out that I was chosen to be a model for the fashion show! I had only modeled once before and when I sent my application in summer, I wasn't really expecting much. To be so lucky twice in a row? I was really surprised, and very, very happy.

It was also kinda ironic, because I had waited to get a dress for my own outfit for a long time, because I thought if I get picked as a model, I will plan a more simple outfit to make the outfit changes easier. Sure enough, after I had bought a dress on lacemarket in September, I found out I would get to be a model shortly afterwards, haha! But everything turned out fine in the end.

Image credit: Cymon Skinner photography

It was quite the change that I had to pull of in total twice that day! But I'm happy that got to wear this beautiful dress - "Witch in the Forest". I think I have never worn such an elaborate outfit, it really has million little details like the small jewels and the tassels on the ribbon! Also, I have never worn a bonnet before D: I was worried it wouldn't fit me at all, but I guess it wasn't too bad ^_^

Snapshots from behind the scenes of the fashion show! Middle picture is me with Medoly♥ I was so happy when I learned we would both get to be part of the fashion show together again :D

If you remember my entry about the IW Tea Party in 2013, you will recognize the venue - again, the event was held at Hotel Stefanie, so I was a bit less nervous this time :) Also, I already had some practice for the fashion show - I think I did much better this time! (Except for a super derpy look once in a while, I guess?) Because of the fashion show, I arrived a bit early and this time, I asked my boyfriend to drive me there. Medoly, who was also a model at the IW Teaparty in 2013, had told me the day before that she would come in casual clothes and put on her on outfit after the fitting an rehearsal, and that she would bring everything in a small suitcase. I laughed. Then I started to pack my own stuff...

So much for that!

We meet at the hotel 1h early for the dress fitting and choreography rehearsal. Dagmar and Pato were organizing the fashion show and helping us to put on our outfits. Taira Chinatsu, Metamorphose's designer was also there to help with our outfits. She was so nice and sweet ♥ I was a bit nervous at first because I would get to walk first and therefore kind of set the pace! But after the practice session I felt a bit more confident and I remembered my biggest mistake from the last time and vowed to myself to walk much more slowly this time ^^

Rehearsal with Dagmar and Pato ^_^ /// Image credit: R. Detoyato

After the rehearsal, we finished dressing up in our own outfits and it was still an hour left until the entry for non-VIP guests would begin, so a few of the models decided to go to a café. I went along mainly because I wanted to get some cash to buy something at the various stalls that had been announced. Since I was really broke at the last TP I couldn't afford to buy anything. This time I had saved money from my birthday and was really looking forward to shopping :3

Back at the hotel, we quickly tried to get some photos taken - I already knew that after the fashion show, it might be too stressful with the rest of the program and this time I really wanted to have a nice photo of my outfit :)

Image credit: Cymon Skinner photography

The dress is Blooming Garden Tulle JSK in pink, which has been on my wish list for quite some time! To me, it feels a bit like the "brand version" of Bodyline's Love Jewelry print, so I was very happy to get it. I wanted to go for a slightly princess-like look and my inspiration for the hairdo was actually the main character of the manga "Dokuhime" Lycoris Radiata (I posted about this once before during the 30 Days Lolita Challenge here!). I really wanted to wear this outfit and hair style so badly, but when I learned what outfit I would get to know for the fashion show, I knew it would get a little bit complicated.... and that's the reason why I had to bring a whole suitcase of stuff - two petticoats, two pairs of shoes, my entire own outfit + accessories, and two wigs! Unfortunately I also noticed throughout the day that my Classical Puppets petti was pretty dead :( Quite a disappointment to be honest, I wore it only about two times! And it made my dress look a bit shape less. But oh well, it wouldn't be me if everything about my outfit worked out for once ;)

There was little time between the regular entry at 13:00 and the time we were supposed to meet to change into our fashion show outfits. I browsed all the stalls and ended up buying beautiful jewelry from Bonbon Maléfique. All of their items were so incredibly beautiful, I could have bought them all! And I think I will buy again in the near future :)

Image credit: R. Detoyato

The Metamorphose stall with designer Taira-san and Matsuoka-san! /// Image credit: R. Detoyato

I didn't get a chance to chat with a lot of people but I met Mia again! She had a stall with her brand MyauMania :3 I hadn't seen her since the IW Tea Party and I was really happy to see her again, even if we chatted only briefly!

We are so very pink together XD Thanks for the photo, Alen!

Finally, it was time to vanish and change outfits... in the meantime, the buffet was set up and people started to eat. We didn't get to see the whole buffet, but now that I see the pictures I'm still a little bit sad that I missed it XD But they kept their promise to put something away for us models for later :D

Image credit: R. Detoyato

The fashion show itself was so much fun once again! I loved my outfit so much, I didn't really wanna take it off afterwards haha! Special thanks to Pato who helped me get that stupid bonnet fixed to my head! After the show, we took some group photos with the designer Taira-san and Matsuoka-san.

Joey and Nora wore two dresses that have not been released yet! Joey ended up buying the sailor dress, a good choice I think, it suits her amazingly X3 and Nora's dress is called "Happy Angels" and will be released soon!

Image credit: R. Detoyato

Team "Witch in the Forest" XD with Yuki from Czech Republic and Betty ♥ /// Image credit: R. Detoyato

I love this group pic! /// Image credit: R. Detoyato

I can hardly express my happiness, even now when I look at these photos I cannot help but smile. That I got to model again was really great, but Taira-san also seemed really happy with the fashion show and how we presented the outfits! This is definitely a memory I will cherish ♥ So I'd like to thank everyone who was a part of it ^__^

After the fashion show, we finally had time to relax, and also get something to eat and drink! I felt a bit dizzy and exhausted at that point. I tried to eat, but I've had severe problems with my jaw lately, so I could hardly chew >_< But the food was delicious! I also visited the stalls again, and ended up buying a black blouse from Metamorphose. I'm usually a bit hesitant to buy brand blouses. They quality is amazing but it comes at a price, and usually I feel a bit silly to spend 100€ or more on a blouse if I can get a second hand dress for the same amount. But this one, I really fell in love with... but more on my haul in another post!

Soon after I was finished eating and shopping, it was time for the rest of the program.

The Q&A was really interesting, Taira-san was asked about how she came to be a designer, what her favorite styles are, and then also if she wears Lolita everyday. She explained that since her workplace can actually get quite uncomfortable if you have to sit and work for a long time, she does not wear Lolita every day. I found that kinda reassuring to hear! Of course, nobody expects a Lolita to wear the fashion every day of her life. But my job is quite similar - I simply cannot wear Lolita in the lab, so to know that even the designer of Metamorphose does not usually wear Lolita to work, I could totally relate :D Two girls (one of them being Simone, who also has a Japanese blog!) also asked questions directly in Japanese, and I think Taira-san was quite impressed by their language skills! ^_^ As for the best outfit contest, the designer picked her personal two favorites and the chosen ones got two large bags with Metamorphose goodies :D One of the two winners was Lisa, and I loved the fact that her outfit was more toned down and not too over the top with accessories - her black feather bolero was an awesome eye catcher that way!

As for the raffle, I think every person (or almost?) ended up winning something. After this was over, Meta did a sale on their remaining items and I took the time to chat with a few people. I met so many nice people that day, I wish I would have had more time to talk!

To get an even better impression of what the Tea Party was like, you can also watch this video by Yuki!

It was over way too soon, as usual with that kind of event. When it was finally time to go though, I was also a bit glad to get home, because my jaw hurt really badly. When I got home I realized that the right half of my face was also pretty swollen, but I think it was not too visible during the day.

It's also the reason why I did not go to the Festival afterwards. As you might know, the organizers of the Tea Party had also planned a music festival. I already expected that I would probably be too exhausted - and I was a bit sick the week before - so I ended up not going... However, after I got some rest at home, I went to the next event on Sunday, the J-fashion Bring & Buy! Originally, I wanted to look for Ouji/Kodona items for me and/or my boyfriend - yes, you read that right! He agreed to go to the Halloween meet up with me, but of course he will have to dress up too so I was looking for something that would fit him ^^ I ended up buying a pair of super cheap F+F Kodona pants that conviently now fit both of us and an AP skirt with a lovely fabric and beautiful print!

Left: Metamorphose blouse that I mentioned earlier /// Right: Angelic Pretty Eternal Rose Bouquet skirt ♥

Left: A lot of pretty flyers that were in the goodie bag! I particularly liked the fact that it was a printed cloth bag to be re-used! I like to use those as shopping bags :3 /// Right: The jewelry from Bonbon Maléfique that I mentioned earlier.

All in all, it was a blast!
I had a great time, I was honored to model for Metamorphose and particularly considering the outfit they chose for me because I loved it so much! I'm happy that I got to meet new people. And while I do not have a lot of free time at the moment due to my studies, knowing that I know have a good job now also means that I might be able to afford more traveling and hopefully go to such events outside of Austria in the future too!

Thanks also to the organizers, in particular of course Dani, who made it all possible and is like the "mother" of the Austrian Lolita scene! And once again thanks to Dagmar and Pato for being so patient with us models :)

Image credit: Cymon Skinner photography

I hope to see everyone again soon!

What it is this, two entries within such a short time of each other?
Is it a miracle?

No! It's the magic of the night of nights, All Hallow's Eve!

Okay, enough cheesy blabla. It would probably be more appropriate if I got my pirate speak on, because THIS IS HALLOWEEN *sing* and this year, I dressed up as a pirate! :D We went to a Halloween meet up organized by Lea - we, that is, my boyfriend and me! Yes, you read that right! I finally convinced my boyfriend to tag along to such an event ! He had already met a few people from the community earlier this year at Lea's birthday party, and also, since it's Halloween, it was not very hard to get him to dress up and wear "fancy" clothes in public :3

I love this photo! So much awesomeness, so many great costumes ♥
Image credit: Rob Detoyato

I have been excited about this for weeks, and I planned my outfit meticulously. And after the Tea Party, I tried to find a little time here and there every know and then to prepare my outfit. My boyfriend helped me out and got me some props for my costume, such as the weapons and the hat, because I currently have absolutely no time to go to Vienna for shopping during the week, so he went to a costume shop after one of his university classes :3 The only gun they had there looked really cheap, so I simply decided to paint it with nail polish! In the end, it looked much more realistic and fitted the costume better. I had already found some perfectly matching jewelry earlier this month, and ultimately, I was pretty happy with my outfit!

I think I've never worn so much ~~random shit~~ many accessories at once XD
Image credit: Rob Detoyato

Image credit: Rob Detoyato

My boyfriend's outfit/costume was a bit makeshift, but I think it turned out fine too! Actually, we found a pair of bat wings in a shop for a super cheap price. So I decided to buy them even though I already knew I wanted to dress up as a pirate. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to come to the Halloween meet up and wear it - it was more or less intended as a joke because I had asked him a few times if he wanted to come to a meet up, but to my surprise he immediately said yes this time! :D It was a lot of fun to go to the meet up with him ♥ I hope I can convince him to accompany me once in a while in the future as well. Though if it's a non-Halloween meet up, perhaps he would need some more Kodona or Aristocrat like clothes :'D

So after everyone arrived at the meeting point, we took photos of everyone and entertained some tourists who were really impressed by our costumes. I think this time the attention we got from strangers was much more positive. Outside of events like Halloween or Carnival, I think people are a bit scared or weirded out when they see us, because we look "different" with our Lolita clothes. But events like this show me that if people can move past this, they are very accepting and friendly. I wish people would be more like this everyday when they see someone who looks "different"!

After the photos, we met with a special tour guide for a "spooky city tour". There are all kinds of themed tours in Vienna, at the beginning of this year I also went on one with my family where we got to know some rather hidden spots in the city center. This one was about ghost and vampire stories! It was really pretty cool, I love to learn something new about this city, even though I'm from nearby it always amazes me how much I actually don't know or have never seen.

With Alex & Bibi ♥ Most photos my boyfriend and me took with out phones turned out a bit blurry :( We both have the same phone and got it at the same time and I think they are about to die XD

For example, we were told the story of the Blood Countess who supposed killed young women to bathe in their blood in order to retain her youthful appearance. We were also told about how burial rites changed over time and how in many places in the city, you are likely to walk on the bones of the dead, because where churches were once surrounded by cemeteries, now there are paved streets and plazas.

The tour took about 2 h and afterwards, I was sooo tired and hungry. My feet also started to hurt because the shoes that I wore are old ones from my mum and a tad bit too small for me. So I was very happy that our next stop was at the nearby Café Heiner at Kärtnerstraße. If you ever come to Vienna, VISIT THIS PLACE! I had never been there before, and was impressed not only by the beautiful, elegant interieur of the café, but also very happy about the friendly service. All the waitresses and even the guests were so polite and friendly, and everyone loved our costumes.

When you enter the café, at first you might think it's small and similarly, I wondered how the bunch of us would fit in there! But upstairs the location is actually huge! There were a lot of guests but we were lead to a small, separate area called "Green Salon" and had the whole room for ourselves! This was really great, because that way it was much less noisy and I felt like it was much easier to talk :3

Also, delicious food *o*

There was also a little costume contest. Everyone could present themselves briefly (because not everyone knew everyone's names) and say a few words about their costumes. Then we wrote down our "Top 2" on pieces of paper and the three winners would get a little Halloween goodie bag. And I got in first place, wohoo! ♥ I suspect it's because I told the backstory of my gloriously kitch eye patch, which I had actually crafted from a cutout piece of an old bra, haha! So I got not only a bag full of crazy Japanese sweets but also a book called "The Ladies of History"(Die Damen der Geschichte), filled with Fantasy short stories with female protagonists who influenced the course of history in their own way. I'm looking forward to reading it!

I tried to get a good picture of all my accessories, but well... cell phone cams and indoor lights... you know how it is. I also had a bunch of stuff in my wig, actually. glass beads and pearls and some feathers, but only the feathers were really visible. At any rate, I was really happy that people liked my outfit because I put so much effort into it :3

We didn't stay too long though - some people had plans for the night, and as for us, we wanted to pay a quick visit to my parents' place for a surprise "Trick or Treat" with our full costumes :D My mum is moving to Frankfurt for work, so I'll see her only every once in a while now - and today was her last day in Austria, so we wanted to say good bye and everything. She was so happy that we dropped by, and she really loved our costumes. We ended up staying for dinner and the whole time, my mum hoped that some local kids would drop by and I could open the door and scare them with my gun, haha. Also, once again, I fooled my step dad into thinking that I had dyed my hair when I was in fact just wearing a wig. That one never gets old, haha! We talked about the meet up and the Tea Party, and it made me quite happy to see them so interested in my hobby. My mum said that if I come to Frankfurt to visit her, I should time it so that I can go to a local meet up there - which is exactly what I had already been thinking about, but to have this suggestion come from her side made me of course very happy :3

But... I think I need a different entry to explain some of the personal stuff that has been going on in my life lately.
For now, I think I'll leave you with this selfie with a spooooky photobombing ghost in the background, haha.

How was your Halloween?
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